Sometimes you make me ___________.

I feel as though death is something that cannot be truly understood until it is experienced first hand.

There are so many things I am feeling.

I have come to realize that there is nothing more profound and absolute than death. Part of me keeps thinking that maybe he’ll “get better” or “come back”, or that this is somehow fixable. Like every other problem I’ve had in my life, I am searching for a way for this to be fixed. But then I am quickly, and painfully, reminded that there is nothing I can do. That there is nothing anyone can do, and that he is simply gone. Just like that. I have thought countless times about what it must feel like to lose someone, and to know that you will never see them again, yet only now do I feel as though I truly understand it. It is so hard to believe that someone can literally vanish out of existence. That there is no place you will find them, or see their face, or hear their voice.

There is nothing I have ever experienced that is more absolute than death, and though I am certainly sad, devastated, and lost; I also feel as if I have just experienced a very pinnacle keystone in the life of a human being. I feel… more knowing than I was before. More aware of life, and death, and how quickly it will all come to pass. I am quietly in awe of existence, and how we are all destined to the same unknowing end.

I am feeling so many things, and though there is greif, I want to experience all of it, and I want to know all of it, and remember all of it. Without being rude, I’d like to relate this to losing one’s virginity, in the sense that this is the first that I have ever fully experienced, and I want to remember and relish in these honest feelings for everything that they are.

Rest in peace, my mentor, my coach, and one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

It is always too soon.